dinsdag 16 december 2014

A Spoonful of Spittle, a St. Horace Original
     "WHO'S SPITTLE IT IS, is less important then the spoon you take it with", according to Doctor Smede of St. Horace near Upper Wychwood. "Any old mucus will do, as long as the spoon is first thoroughly cleansed and rendered germ-free and hygienic. Taken twice daily, it's certain to reduce stooping and constriction of the back, lower back and shoulders".
     Pictured above is Pembrook Plumb (a patient of Dr. Smede) who is currently taking the spit cure for life-long stoop and slumping, shuffling gait.
     "It works great," beams Plumb, "I've never stood straighter. And you know - I'm starting to really develop a taste for spittle. Now when I hear someone clearing their throat in the street, I actually start getting hungry."

woensdag 10 december 2014

The Ballad of
Flamingo Rose

He loved a lass,
his Flamingo Rose
with her sick, skinny legs
and beak-like nose

With her soft pink hair,
like a summer's dawn
her putrid breath,
rancid eel and prawn

Now every eve
he goes to sea
crying, "Flamingo Rose!
Return to me!"

"Return to me,
I'll fricassee thee!

by John L. Blick,
noted poet and
poultry cook

dinsdag 9 december 2014

The Neat Little World of Hywel Rhys
     YOUNG MISTER RHYS IS HAPPY - and what makes young mister Rhys so happy? Beer makes young mister Rhys so happy, as does his rather cheerful wave of "Hello!".
     Being neat and tidy also makes young Hywel a happy chap. "One can never begin too early with tidying-up, you know," he confided in me once, "and the results are worth their weight in soap and feather dusters."
     He's made it his habit to keep it all neat. He makes his bed while still lying in it, washes his plate while still eating ("take a bite and clean that portion, and you're done with the washing-up before you know it"), and his artistry during bowel movements is a thing of beauty. "Carefully wiping the crevice in a clock-wise direction after every inch or so - and at the end of it, you're left with practically no mess at all."

dinsdag 11 november 2014

dinsdag 28 oktober 2014

Jim Green Can See
Jim Green (pictured here in sweater and slacks) is the celebrated author of "Chewing and Swallowing Food" and is now working on notes for his second volume, tentatively entitled "Avoid Malnutrition - Chewing and Swallowing More Food". "I'd have finished ages ago," he remarked in an interview given last winter, "but I needed new spectacles and my eye tests seem to take longer than they should."

dinsdag 14 oktober 2014

vrijdag 10 oktober 2014

Wendy White By Starlight
Flying off to save the world, eh Wendy? Show off. I wish I could fly.

donderdag 9 oktober 2014

The Athletic Kid!

Real name: Penrose Sunshine
Powers: Some type of jagged, orange ray that he shoots
out of his finger;
runs the 10km in 47 minutes (pr)
Weaknesses: Radon, knives, 
mild constipation
Hobbies: Dancing, wrestling
Origin: Struck by radioactive lightning while getting run-over by a tanker carrying sports-drink, Penrose evoked the name
of Macadam (the ancient deity of  fun-runs) and became...
The Athletic Kid!

woensdag 8 oktober 2014

Sandie El McHorowitz - The Man Who is Half Man, Half Nothing Else
THE RECURRING DREAM - while paging through the atlas on a chilly winter's eve, page 53 falls out and flutters to the floor. Stooping to retrieve it, I notice it depicts the main agricultural crops of the Baltic countries (sugar beets and onions seem to feature strongly).
On turning it over, I notice the other side is not from the atlas, but is an old school menu from 1983, detailing a week's meals for early October.
Curious, I turn it over again - only to find this queer drawing depicting the track-and-field athlete Sandie El McHorowitz training for the Barcelona Olympics.
In my dream I then awaken and - still dreaming - I go to the shelf and take down the atlas. To my alarm, every page has been crudely removed save page 53. It is blank but for one cryptic message scrawled in red (blood?), written with a childish hand near the lower left corner.
It reads, "Hey, this ain't much of an atlas, is it? Why not go buy a new one, you dumbo?"


dinsdag 7 oktober 2014

Josef Heroic Calligraphy Takes an Active Holiday
Here's a little riddle for all my readers - what's long and thin, made out of meat and swings limply in the breeze?
Why, it's none other than Josef Heroic Calligraphy taking a well-earned week off at one of Ibiza's many top-notch resorts. Enjoying the sun, surf and a little swingin' nightlife, Calligraphy is pictured at right getting in some light activity before luncheon on the veranda.
     "A short run on the swings sharpens my appetite. I'm planning on having the fried fish and some rice, maybe a little fresh fruit for afters. They do some really nice meatballs in tomato sauce too, might have a couple of those with some bread. Then I'm getting hammered on cocktails."

zondag 5 oktober 2014

How's Come You Smell So Damn Good, Donna? 
HER FRAGRANCE IS AT ONCE NUTTY and sweet, with a hint of vanilla and a dash of lemon zest. To breath deeply of Donna is to experience an olfactory cleansing - a good, healthy whiff and the nose undergoes a nasal calibration. All odours, and memories of odours, must be redefined in relation to her remarkable scent.
Truly, if you enjoy sniffing stuff, you owe it your nose to give her nooks and crannies the once-over.

vrijdag 3 oktober 2014

Lovely Horace - The World's Wet (and quivering) With Anticipation
     THE GALS ALL GO CRAZY 'BOUT Horace. Literally crazy - one young woman from Guilford developed congestion of the brain after stepping out with the dashing young man for an evening at the pictures; another sad girl was confined to her bed during the spring of 19- , with manic fits of self-abuse, interspersed with bouts of thick oral frothing.
     But Horace takes it all in his stride. "There's bound to be a belle for this beau out there somewhere. They can't all be mentally defective. Maybe I should stop poisoning their soda when they go to powder their noses. But it's fun, you know?"