vrijdag 23 januari 2015

Lillian Gladd - An Afternoon's Ramble
 
     "I'M NOT REALLY MUCH OF A HIKER," she confided to me during a slow trudge over the rolling landscape. "I quite dislike it, actually. But the sticks and twigs - well, I do so enjoy them. They keep me firm."

vrijdag 16 januari 2015

Walking/Crawling on Sunshine
 
     "OH, TO BE SURE, IT WAS IN NEW CASTLE", recalled Milton Swanneck during his supper, "on the High Street, when I was just a lad. On the one side you had a shoe repair place - I think they also made keys and sharpened knives and skates and the like - and on the other side, there sat a florists. And smack-dab in the middle was the butchers. The name? No - I've forgotten that, but that butcher shop had the loveliest bit of linoleum flooring I've ever seen. 
    "It was proper linoleum, made of linseed, and had a rugged burlap backing. Never saw the shop or the floor more than that one time, but certainly - it made a lasting impression I don't think will ever fade from my memory. It was perfection."

donderdag 15 januari 2015

Logarithms of the Heart
 
     A PIONEER IN THE FIELD OF post-war navigational mathematics, Montague Marsh's major work, "Seasonal Currents of the South Seas, Expressed in Algorithms" is now sadly forgotten by most. At the time of it's publication, it was a rather popular book - indeed so successful, that Marsh used the proceeds to establish his own publishing house, specializing in mathematics and sensational romances novels. 
     This rather odd combination proved confusing to the reading public and "Lurid Theorems Publishing" quickly dissolved. But Marsh left us with a few other noteworthy works, including, "The Discreet Function of Passion", "Love and it's Antiderivatives" and "Pointless Topography and Hot Love Kisses - Sober Set Erotica". The latter was eventually made into a short serialized radio play, staring Kenneth Moore as the voice of Horace Homomorphism.
 
 

dinsdag 16 december 2014

A Spoonful of Spittle, a St. Horace Original
 
     "WHO'S SPITTLE IT IS, is less important then the spoon you take it with", according to Doctor Smede of St. Horace near Upper Wychwood. "Any old mucus will do, as long as the spoon is first thoroughly cleansed and rendered germ-free and hygienic. Taken twice daily, it's certain to reduce stooping and constriction of the back, lower back and shoulders".
     Pictured above is Pembrook Plumb (a patient of Dr. Smede) who is currently taking the spit cure for life-long stoop and slumping, shuffling gait.
     "It works great," beams Plumb, "I've never stood straighter. And you know - I'm starting to really develop a taste for spittle. Now when I hear someone clearing their throat in the street, I actually start getting hungry."
 

woensdag 10 december 2014



 
The Ballad of
Flamingo Rose

He loved a lass,
his Flamingo Rose
with her sick, skinny legs
and beak-like nose

With her soft pink hair,
like a summer's dawn
her putrid breath,
rancid eel and prawn

Now every eve
he goes to sea
crying, "Flamingo Rose!
Return to me!"

"Return to me,
I'll fricassee thee!

by John L. Blick,
noted poet and
poultry cook

dinsdag 9 december 2014

The Neat Little World of Hywel Rhys
 
     YOUNG MISTER RHYS IS HAPPY - and what makes young mister Rhys so happy? Beer makes young mister Rhys so happy, as does his rather cheerful wave of "Hello!".
     Being neat and tidy also makes young Hywel a happy chap. "One can never begin too early with tidying-up, you know," he confided in me once, "and the results are worth their weight in soap and feather dusters."
     He's made it his habit to keep it all neat. He makes his bed while still lying in it, washes his plate while still eating ("take a bite and clean that portion, and you're done with the washing-up before you know it"), and his artistry during bowel movements is a thing of beauty. "Carefully wiping the crevice in a clock-wise direction after every inch or so - and at the end of it, you're left with practically no mess at all."
 

dinsdag 11 november 2014

dinsdag 28 oktober 2014

Jim Green Can See
 
Jim Green (pictured here in sweater and slacks) is the celebrated author of "Chewing and Swallowing Food" and is now working on notes for his second volume, tentatively entitled "Avoid Malnutrition - Chewing and Swallowing More Food". "I'd have finished ages ago," he remarked in an interview given last winter, "but I needed new spectacles and my eye tests seem to take longer than they should."

dinsdag 14 oktober 2014