woensdag 1 oktober 2014

Jimmy Jimaroo - Electrical Fantasies Under a Hunter's Moon
 
     J. JIMAROO CHUCKLED AS HE FLEW over the rooftops and the elms in their autumn finery. "15 meters? That's too long, man! It'll tangle." That's what the salesman at the hardware had told him. "Why not try our 2.5 model? It's our biggest seller. No one really needs an extension chord any longer."
     But Jimaroo would not be put off. With disgust he left the shop and called in at the store on the other side of town. Again he met with reservations from the assistant when he asked for a 15 meter cord. "Why, that's monstrous!" said the clerk with a start, but eventually Jimaroo was sold his length of electrical insulated wiring.
     "Fine," the attendant had ultimately sighed, with surrender creeping into his voice. "Fine, take it. Suit yourself."
     And Jimaroo did, and was self-suited.
 

dinsdag 30 september 2014

That Real Great, Super Cool Guy - Percy Spimple
 
     IF HE'S NOT CRUISING FOR CHICKS, he's just hangin' or checkin' in with his peeps on maybe, like, Facebook or whatever. It doesn't matter, he's just pretty cool, you know?
     "I don't know how I got to be so great, I was just born like that," Percy explains while taking a sip of Red Bull. "Which is funny, 'cause my parents are way un-cool. But me, I'm hip and all that, like 24/7. I mean, duh, you do the math. 24/7= 3.43 (rounding up), so that's like loads of being cool."
 

zondag 28 september 2014

Cliff Sulphuric Acid - How to Draw Nice Bubble Gum Pictures
 
   IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE 1900's, the world of art and illustration was delighted with the publication of C. Sulphuric Acid's 3 page book, "How to Draw Nice Bubble Gum Pictures". This step-by-step guide taught the beginning artist all the tricks of the trade and was lavishly illustrated with 2 full-colour examples. Now sadly out of print, it is well worth hunting down in second hand book stores and flea markets.
     The well-known comic book artist Saul T. Shaker said of the book, "I've never heard of it, but it sounds ok. Maybe a tad on the thin side, but might be neat to page through it sometime."
 
"Sunny Brand Gum" by Cliff Sulphuric Acid
 
 

dinsdag 23 september 2014

Knock, Knock - Who's There?
 
     CLIFF WAS GROWING A LITTLE IMPATIENT. He drew quickly on his cigarette and with a puff of smoke said, "Try again, and knock a little louder. You said to come over for coffee at noon, and it's already ten past."
     "Sorry about this," replied Hoffman, his knuckles rapping sharply on the cottage door. "I know I said noon, and I could have sworn I was home. Perhaps I'm busy in the back garden. The carrots are coming up and I was going to have them for supper."
     The sound of his knocking faded into the still autumn sunshine and beyond the door was nothing but silence. A crow sounded down the lane, Cliff cleared his throat and dashed his cigarette to the ground. "This is rum of you, to be sure. Invite a chum over and leave him on the doorstep. Yes, rum of you indeed."
     Hoffman turned and smiled weakly. "I'm sure I'll turn up presently. Why not I tell you a joke while we wait. You'll see - the time will fly by and soon I'll be pouring you a mug of my best, with a cream custard and lemonade afterwards."
     "Go on." Cliff loved a good joke.
     "Knock-knock," began Hoffman.
     "Who's there?" queried Cliff, his curiosity now highly aroused.
     "You."
     "You who?"
     "Yoo-hoo, anybody home in there?"
     And they laughed and laughed. 
  


vrijdag 19 september 2014

Bernard and Colleen, With Sons Tit-Boy and Salami-John
 
BERNARD IS A RETIRED BED BUG, and now likes to spend his leisure time fly fishing. "I must be doing something wrong," he often complains, "I haven't caught a single fly yet." His wife Colleen likes to join him by the waterside, where she does nature studies in pencil and watercolour. She also offers her husband advice while fishing, such as, "Why not just quit already and let's go home?"
     Their two sons, Tit-Boy and Salami-John are twins, and both are studying philosophy and music at Cambridge. 


dinsdag 16 september 2014

Gaylord Pilmamount and Orbital Jelly
 
    "THE THING ABOUT BREAKFAST at such altitudes," remarks Gaylord, nibbling thoughtfully at his toast, "is that you mustn't open a window until after you've finished your meal. Otherwise space dust might get in and spoil your preserves. I once chipped a tooth on an asteroid that settled on my marmalade and it was rather painful. There's a number of top-notch tooth-men on the moon of course, but still - it's best to let in the air between meals. An hour either side of luncheon works for me"
     Nibble, nibble.

zaterdag 13 september 2014

Tucked Up Neatly - Deidre on the Divan
 
     I SUPPOSE IT WAS nearly quarter past three when I scuttled into the parlour and noticed Deidre staring dreamily into the mesmeric glow of the reading lamp. She had eaten her book and was passing the time by slowly trying to damage her eyesight in the glare of the dancing flame.
     "Oh, go up to bed!" I shouted. My harsh outburst was startling in the nocturnal solitude, but yelling was necessary, as Deidre had eaten her other book the previous evening and had spent the remainder of the night slowly damaging her hearing by sticking hatpins in her ears. 
     "What a woman", I remember thinking as I walloped her one and scuttled out again.

woensdag 27 augustus 2014

The Fancy Feet of Farmer Fred Ficklefart
 
     "Well, I'm hardly a farmer," remarks Fred, bounding over the dew speckled hills, "nor would I wish to be one. I do often fancy planting a small field of leak, perhaps on the south-facing slope opposite the kitchen. That would be sweet, my own leaks. I like leaks."

donderdag 21 augustus 2014

Bella Cadmium, or "John Titanium, the Woman with Two Feet"
 
     Bella is pictured below taking a short break and having a snack - she had been busy all morning showing people in the street her genitals and had a sudden craving for pickled fruits. It is believed that prunes are her favourite, followed closely by apricots and then cranberries. The type of vinegar used to preserve them is not important - Bella is a fussy eater, but as long as it's sour, she's not bothered.

woensdag 20 augustus 2014

Cheerful Mister H.B. Cadmium, Walking Softly to the Store
 
     They call Mr. Cadmium the "dull pencil", and why? Because there's no point to him? Ha, no - it's not that. He tends to squeak as he walks and his footmarks are rather smudgy.
     His mother calls him "son" for similar reasons, though she calls most people son (save her daughter Bella, whom she refers to as "her sister's son, John L. Titanium").
     Young H.B. is pictured below taking his feathers to the local shop to have them oiled and re-calibrated. They are somewhat of a family heirloom, having been plucked from an old pillow they found in a skip near Colchester.
 
 

maandag 18 augustus 2014

zaterdag 16 augustus 2014

 Somnambulism and Mister Penrose Smith
 
     Penrose prides himself on his active lifestyle - besides being a full-time dairy farmer (he grows dairies in a small field near Limerick), he skips rope on a professional level and teaches an evening class at the local community centre. His series of lectures, "Intestinal Flora - Gardening with Limited Space" is quite popular and his students often win prizes at the farmer's market each autumn.
     He also enjoys walking in his sleep, which he claims helps keep his weight down and it also lets him enjoy a perpetual state of drowsiness and muscular discomfort. "I'm always on the go, it's a nightmare. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I was tucked up in me mums gut."
     Restraints and locked doors have not helped, as Smith is also keen on "sleep knot-untying" and "sleep door-unlocking".
 

vrijdag 15 augustus 2014

Who is That Handsome Fellow? Pray, Do Tell!
 
     As one enters the main hall and steps into the corridor on one's left, one will find, hanging above the dark oaken wainscoting, a most striking oil portrait. The subject is male, his age perhaps a few years mature of five and thirty, and his finely shaped face and intelligent eyes gives one the feeling that one is gazing on a past member of the nobility, or perhaps a man of science or medicine.
     Though the subject is now sadly unknown, the artist's name is celebrated still - it is of course the work of Q. Cumber Sannich, a noted dandy of society in the early Victorian period. Like most of his portraits, this one is believed to have been painted in the dark while Morris dancing.
 
Oil portrait by Q. Cumber Sannich, subject unknown