vrijdag 19 september 2014

Bernard and Colleen, With Sons Tit-Boy and Salami-John
 
BERNARD IS A RETIRED BED BUG, and now likes to spend his leisure time fly fishing. "I must be doing something wrong," he often complains, "I haven't caught a single fly yet." His wife Colleen likes to join him by the waterside, where she does nature studies in pencil and watercolour. She also offers her husband advice while fishing, such as, "Why not just quit already and let's go home?"
     Their two sons, Tit-Boy and Salami-John are twins, and both are studying philosophy and music at Cambridge. 


dinsdag 16 september 2014

Gaylord Pilmamount and Orbital Jelly
 
    "THE THING ABOUT BREAKFAST at such altitudes," remarks Gaylord, nibbling thoughtfully at his toast, "is that you mustn't open a window until after you've finished your meal. Otherwise space dust might get in and spoil your preserves. I once chipped a tooth on an asteroid that settled on my marmalade and it was rather painful. There's a number of top-notch tooth-men on the moon of course, but still - it's best to let in the air between meals. An hour either side of luncheon works for me"
     Nibble, nibble.

zaterdag 13 september 2014

Tucked Up Neatly - Deidre on the Divan
 
     I SUPPOSE IT WAS nearly quarter past three when I scuttled into the parlour and noticed Deidre staring dreamily into the mesmeric glow of the reading lamp. She had eaten her book and was passing the time by slowly trying to damage her eyesight in the glare of the dancing flame.
     "Oh, go up to bed!" I shouted. My harsh outburst was startling in the nocturnal solitude, but yelling was necessary, as Deidre had eaten her other book the previous evening and had spent the remainder of the night slowly damaging her hearing by sticking hatpins in her ears. 
     "What a woman", I remember thinking as I walloped her one and scuttled out again.

woensdag 27 augustus 2014

The Fancy Feet of Farmer Fred Ficklefart
 
     "Well, I'm hardly a farmer," remarks Fred, bounding over the dew speckled hills, "nor would I wish to be one. I do often fancy planting a small field of leak, perhaps on the south-facing slope opposite the kitchen. That would be sweet, my own leaks. I like leaks."

donderdag 21 augustus 2014

Bella Cadmium, or "John Titanium, the Woman with Two Feet"
 
     Bella is pictured below taking a short break and having a snack - she had been busy all morning showing people in the street her genitals and had a sudden craving for pickled fruits. It is believed that prunes are her favourite, followed closely by apricots and then cranberries. The type of vinegar used to preserve them is not important - Bella is a fussy eater, but as long as it's sour, she's not bothered.

woensdag 20 augustus 2014

Cheerful Mister H.B. Cadmium, Walking Softly to the Store
 
     They call Mr. Cadmium the "dull pencil", and why? Because there's no point to him? Ha, no - it's not that. He tends to squeak as he walks and his footmarks are rather smudgy.
     His mother calls him "son" for similar reasons, though she calls most people son (save her daughter Bella, whom she refers to as "her sister's son, John L. Titanium").
     Young H.B. is pictured below taking his feathers to the local shop to have them oiled and re-calibrated. They are somewhat of a family heirloom, having been plucked from an old pillow they found in a skip near Colchester.
 
 

maandag 18 augustus 2014

zaterdag 16 augustus 2014

 Somnambulism and Mister Penrose Smith
 
     Penrose prides himself on his active lifestyle - besides being a full-time dairy farmer (he grows dairies in a small field near Limerick), he skips rope on a professional level and teaches an evening class at the local community centre. His series of lectures, "Intestinal Flora - Gardening with Limited Space" is quite popular and his students often win prizes at the farmer's market each autumn.
     He also enjoys walking in his sleep, which he claims helps keep his weight down and it also lets him enjoy a perpetual state of drowsiness and muscular discomfort. "I'm always on the go, it's a nightmare. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I was tucked up in me mums gut."
     Restraints and locked doors have not helped, as Smith is also keen on "sleep knot-untying" and "sleep door-unlocking".
 

vrijdag 15 augustus 2014

Who is That Handsome Fellow? Pray, Do Tell!
 
     As one enters the main hall and steps into the corridor on one's left, one will find, hanging above the dark oaken wainscoting, a most striking oil portrait. The subject is male, his age perhaps a few years mature of five and thirty, and his finely shaped face and intelligent eyes gives one the feeling that one is gazing on a past member of the nobility, or perhaps a man of science or medicine.
     Though the subject is now sadly unknown, the artist's name is celebrated still - it is of course the work of Q. Cumber Sannich, a noted dandy of society in the early Victorian period. Like most of his portraits, this one is believed to have been painted in the dark while Morris dancing.
 
Oil portrait by Q. Cumber Sannich, subject unknown
 

donderdag 14 augustus 2014

Slap Jack! The Romantic Fiction of Buncle J. Pissbed
 
     One of Scotland's most prolific post-war writers, Buncle is perhaps best known for his romantic novels featuring love and intrigue, and in which games and pastimes play a large role. His first work, "Bingo Buddies" (1950), became a bestseller within weeks of it's publication and was followed by other well-known titles - "L-O-V-E, a Double Word Score" (1952), "Parcheesi Chums" (1955), "The Pawns of Love" (1957) and "I Lost at Pinochle but Won at Love" (1959).
     Pissbed would later release a string of folk albums, the most successful being "A Bridge Table over Troubled Waters" and his novel "Play With Me" was filmed in the 70s and starred Peter Sellers and Helen Mirren.
 
Buncle J. Pissebed doing research for his novel, "The Soaring Kites of Passion", 1963
 
 

dinsdag 12 augustus 2014

When Lifting or Walking, Keep the Back Straight
 
Lester Ismorester lives in the forest, he adores the florist and they enjoy a sweet courtship.
 
 

vrijdag 8 augustus 2014

Why Yes, That's Right - Lucius Rolls His Own, Dear 
 
     THERE'S A SECLUDED SPOT near the edge of Abbey's Prava, just skirting a clump of ancient elms and oaks, where Lucius P. Apeman has his evening movements. It's an easy enough place to find, as it tends to stimulate most of man's senses; the ears distinctly discern the hungry drone of bluebottles, the nose burns with the scent of Apeman's nightly convenience, and the skin feels clammy and damp in the high humidity of the abundant brown moisture.
     And too will the eyes clearly discover a most singular sight - discarded rolls of paper towelling, done-up to hold not paper towels, but toilet tissue. "Tis a man's rig, to be sure," grunts Lucius as he parades on all fours. "Perhaps those small sissy tubes will do for wenches and kiddies, but the hindquarters of a noble Apeman need something more substantial."
 
Lucius P. Apeman near Abbey's Prava 
 
 

donderdag 7 augustus 2014

Little Angie D'Angelo, Don't Run in the House!
 
     It was Thursday morning and before breakfast young Angie went tearing through the house like a young Angie possessed. She had found something in the front garden (she always took a short ramble before sitting down to her scrambled eggs, toast and jam), and she wanted to share her discovery with her household - she lived with her two unmarried sisters, Ella and Jocelyn and their cousin, Mitch. But what was this strange and startling object that filled her with such uncontained enthusiasm?
     It is pictured below, and believed to be a large question mark filled with low-grade helium. Her sisters and cousin where both quite impressed and Mitch took the following snapshot.